Sacapuntas.net

Cosas de ALF

Todos nos acordamos de este gracioso personaje llamado ALF. Su verdadero nombre era Gordon y venía del planeta Melmac, que estaba hecho íntegramente de melmac (de ahí su nombre).

Como recordaréis, ALF tenía la habilidad de parar el tiempo juntando sus dedos índices, y estaba perdidamente enamorado de su vecina Laura.

Diez años después nos hemos acercado a la casa donde Willie, Kate, Lynn y Brian Tanner conviven con ALF. Esto es lo que sucedió:

Lo primero que vemos es a una Kate demacrada, sin maquillar, fumando un cigarro. Está sentada en el sofá del salón, abierta de patas.

-Estoy hasta el coño del bicho este - dice Kate. El cigarro le cuelga de la boca.
ALF grita desde la cocina:
-Kate, ¿Dónde tienes la sartén? El gato no cabe en la tostadora-
Se acerca Willie lentamente, ayudado de un tacatá. El paso del tiempo ha hecho estragos, se ha quedado sin pelo, sus gafas son tan gruesas que apenas tiene fuerzas para sostenerlas en su cabeza. Lleva una bata a cuadros sobre el pijama, y unas zapatillas viejas.

-Está todo el día soltando pelo, por todas partes -Kate continúa quejándose.

-Ojalá Willie pudiera decir lo mismo -comenta ALF.
(risas en lata)
-Yo conservo todo mi pelo -dice Willie, que ha conseguido avanzar 50 centímetros.
-Lo dirás por ese peluquín, es como si llevaras un gato en la cabeza -murmura ALF.
-Tú también tienes gatos en la cabeza a todas horas -Kate tira una lata de cerveza al suelo con el pie.

Nuestro entrevistador, acojonado por la escena, pregunta: -¿Y dónde están los niños?
Kate se ríe, pero se atraganta y comienza a toser. De la cocina llega olor a carne quemada. Willie huele el aire.

-¿Qué estás haciendo ALF?
-Cocinando al gato.
Kate mira a Willie y Willie mira a la mancha borrosa que es Kate.

-Al gato lo enterramos hace 12 años, murió al final de la tercera temporada -responde ella.
-Digamos que... aprendí a excavar.

(risas en lata. Pausa mientras terminan. Nuestro entrevistador mira hacia los lados, buscando el origen del sonido)

-¿Dónde están los niños? ¿Dónde está Poochie?- Nuestro enviado especial insiste con la pregunta.

Kate le mira y responde:
-Lynn tiene un espectáculo en Las Vegas, o eso dice. Se llama "Yo viví con ALF" y tiene gran éxito. Brian murió de sobredosis hace 5 años.

-Siempre le dije que no se pasara de la raya, pero se metió en la heroína -añade ALF.

(risas enlatadas, más fuertes que las anteriores, una gorda de un público imaginario aúlla con una carcajada final)

-¿De dónde salen esas risas? - nuestro entrevistador está asustado.
-Eso... -Kate mira a Willie-. Cuando se acabó el show se lo dejaron puesto. Salta a todas horas, con cualquier chascarrillo, automáticamente.

-Es lo único inteligente que queda en la casa -comenta Willie.

(la caja de las risas se activa)

-¡Vamos Willie! Deja de hacer la pelota a la caja -grita ALF.

ALF se acerca con una bandeja, llena de restos carbonizados mientras dice:
-En mi estancia con Kate y Willie he aprendido a ser amable con los invitados.
-Claro, llevamos años enseñándole a traer gatos muertos a nuestras visitas... - Willie mira a ALF con gesto de reproche.
(La caja se activa, se ve que Willie disfruta haciéndola saltar, no tiene pinta de tener mucho más que hacer con su vida).

-Agradezco el detalle -comenta nuestro enviado especial-. Pero creo que ya es hora de que me marche.
Kate se levanta, le suenan todos los huesos.
-¡Diles a todos que seguimos aquí! ¡Listos para la quinta temporada!
Kate se desploma sobre el sofá de nuevo, borracha.

Nuestro pobre reportero, recoge su abrigo y sale lo más deprisa que puede de la casa. ALF corre hacia la puerta para despedirle y grite:
-¡Vuelva pronto! ¡La próxima vez desenterraré a Brian!

Risas de lata mientras se aleja y se mete en el coche... Por unos momentos no consigue arrancar, las risas son cada vez más fuertes, por fin arranca, mete primera, acelera y sale derrapando sin volver la vista atrás.

Comentarios:

swyx el 10/8/2006 - 00:21

El único poder de Alf era sacar de quicio a la familia Tanner. Eso de juntar los dedos índice y parar el tiempo era el poder de una tal Evie que salía en la serie "mi padre es un extraterrestre" o algo así.

azote el 10/8/2006 - 01:39

He empezado a leer, pero al ver la desfachatez de que Alf paraba el tiempo he parado en seco (bueno, un poco húmedo estaba imaginándome a Lynn).

La madre de Lydia Lozano y la hija perdida de Al Bano estarán revolcándose en su tumba (bonito dúo lésbico de cadáveres).

La serie, como mal dice swyx, era "De otro mundo".

Ojalá te demanden antena3, Ratzinger y la plataforma promorcilla de Burgos (compuesta principalmente por lesbianas feministas).

Saludetes.

thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 10/8/2006 - 01:59

«ALF tenía la habilidad de parar el tiempo juntando sus dedos índices, y estaba perdidamente enamorado de su vecina Laura.»
E imagino que quien estaba enamorado de Laura era Steve Urkel... como se me ha podido escapar ese detalle...

Chicos, tened un poco más de confianza en mí, soy un profesional. xD

thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 10/8/2006 - 02:01

El único poder de ALF como el mismo dice es:
"Soy capaz de ver la televisión durante 10 horas seguidas sin levantarme para ir al baño"

swyx el 10/8/2006 - 14:53

Y cuando se aburre demasiado la enciende por sus ascendencias catalano-polacas.

azote el 11/8/2006 - 11:47

Lo dicho. Me he parado justo en "detener el tiempo en seco" :D

Me hace gracia que lo pones todo en mayúsculas (¿es acrónimo de algo?, ¿o sólo por la fuente que utilizaban al comenzar la serie?), por miedo a que se ofenda o algo.

Me da a mí que ese bicho (y el enano que iba dentro, posteriormente socio de Anthony Blake) hace ya tiempo que huelen a gato muerto...

thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 11/8/2006 - 21:25

ALF significa Alien Life Form, listos todos que sois, listos.

nei el 12/8/2006 - 03:24

Recuerdo esta serie, de aquellos tiempos en los que era un ser imperfecto como vosotros (vale, quizás no tanto) y veía la tele.

ALF es junto a Blossom, el estandarte de la ñoñería y poca gracia norteamericana.

A la espera de algún post que no trate sobre productos rancios televisivos y pueda saber de qué oño estáis hablando :D, se despide vuestra bella y siempre humilde,

Neitor.

(tengo mucho calor y derecho a estar de mala hostia)

jr el 13/8/2006 - 17:32

veo que con este articulo ya se te ha ido la pinza por completo.por cierto,hablando de los derechos de autor a los que se refieren otros,no crees que eso de donde esta poochie es de otra serie que emite actualmente antena 3?ai lo lee laure te demanda fijo.

papiles (bokatakabrales at pela dot yo) el 14/8/2006 - 01:00

¿¿"¿Dónde está Poochie?"?? ¿pero k mierda de enviado especial es ese?
Vaya una forma de kagarla, kon lo bien k ibas!!...Es una pena...

thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 15/8/2006 - 22:18

Es que era un becario, ya se sabe... xD

Kaner el 24/8/2006 - 17:03

alf molaba porque luego echaban los dibujos, ademas era gracioso porque tenia pelo y hablaba

thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 24/8/2006 - 18:48

tu también tienes pelo y hablas, pero no eres gracioso. xD

laty (latiyt at oue dot com) el 2/11/2006 - 20:38

de donde es el sacapuntas

listo el 14/3/2007 - 04:53

listo el 14/3/2007 - 04:56

todos ustedes son una cagada gigante bola d putos esta puta mini historia me lleva de la pinche puta cagada

a ese tal listo y a todos uste el 14/3/2007 - 05:03

dejenme decirles a todos uds que alf o amorfosis lejano fantastico era una serie bella no como esta idiota y estupida historia. guey ojala te demanden por derechos de autor y te larges con tu babosa historia a la carcel. asi que mejor vayan a joder a su madre

oliver el 14/3/2007 - 05:04

soy gay y mejor me voy a forum a fumar mota

jessy (arelis_507 at hotmail dot com) el 21/3/2007 - 02:21

me gustaria que pudieran publicar el plano de la casa de alf, es muy bonita.

thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 21/3/2007 - 12:57

jajaja

nivo el 11/4/2007 - 11:07

alguien sabe si el gato tenia nombre??? no consigo recordar...

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