Bertín Osborne, el perro pedorro y otros cuentos

El dueño sonreía nervioso y el perro permanecía impasible, con la mirada clavada al frente.
Bertín Osborne se acerca con el micrófono en la mano.

- Y aquí tenemos a otro de nuestros bichos con talento. ¿Cómo es tu nombre? -pregunta al dueño.

- Corto y contundente. A mí me gusta.

Bertín murmuró algo como "Empezamos bien" tambaleándose y visiblemente ebrio.

- ¿Y qué es capaz de hacer tu perro?

El perro miró a Bertín de soslayo, temiendo que se le cayera encima.

- Hace música... Digamos que, se tira pedos, que son las notas, y así... puede tocar una melodía.

- O sea que tu perro hace música con el culo.

- Sí.

- Bien, vamos a verlo.

Bertín se acerca al perro por detrás, éste suspira resignado.
Cuando Bertín pone el micrófono a la altura del culo, su rabo (el del perro) se levanta automáticamente, como activado por un resorte.

Pff, bBRRp, brpppr brrroprrrrrrrriuuuu

- Joder. ¿Qué está tocando? Bertín se tapa la
nariz.

- Nada, está afinando.

Brr prrr ffrrr frrrr fuuummmmmmmm
Brr prrr ffrrr frrr fiiiiummmmmmmm

- ¿Y esto qué coño es? Bertín se ha caído de espaldas, medio borracho medio asustado. El público tose a sus espaldas.

- Joder, es la melodía de Expediente X.
- Ahhhh...
- Lo que pasa es que la gente no tiene el oído educado.

El perro baja el rabo y sigue mirando al frente impertérrito. Parece aburrido.

- Oye y podría tocar una de mis rancheras?

- Pues verás Bertín. Calculo que su rango dinámico abarca de los 200 a los 10000 hertzios. Para los tonos agudos de las rancheras tendría que apretar su abdomen rítmicamente, en los notas más altas.

- ¿A ver y cómo es eso de los hertzios? haznos una demostración.

El dueño se acercó al perro.
- Tendría que agarrarle aquí, a la altura de la tercera costilla, y apretar a modo de gaita para llegar a los 11 y 12000 hertzios. De todos modos la distorsión sería evidente.

- Bueno va a ser mejor que lo dejemos para otro día, si no te importa. Porque ahora tenemos a nuestro siguiente invitado.

Bertín se secó el sudor mientras se acercaba a una mujer de unos 50 años, vestida con un traje estampado marca %Día y unas gafas de montura gruesa.

- Hola Bertín!!

- Y usted que nos trae señora.

- Yo tengo ladillas.

- Aha, y hacen algo especial?

- Claro que sí, mire, mis ladillas están registrando ahora mismo esta conversación.

Bertín mira los bajos de la señora, con sorpresa.

- ¿Y cómo es eso?

- Son ladillas taquígrafas. Fíjese fíjese.

La señora se remanga la falda, y se saca del coño un papel diminuto.

-Voy a pedir a producción una lupa -dice Bertín.
-Sí por favor porducción.

Bertín examina el documento:

-Veamos «Hola Bertín. Y usted que nos trae señora. Yo tengo ladillas...» En efecto sí, no se les escapa nada.

La señora sonríe mostrando la dentadura postiza y se baja la falda nuevamente.

- Lo registran todo, es muy útil. Sobre todo para mi marido y para mí que estamos un poco sordos. Cuando vemos una película estamos siempre discutiendo "¿Qué es lo que ha dicho?". Desde que tengo las ladillas taquígrafas les consulto siempre, me saco el papelito y leemos lo que pone...

Bertín simulaba interés.

-...O en las discusiones, siempre tengo la última palabra. Cuando alguien dice "No! Yo no dije nada de eso" Pues nada, me echo la mano al chocho y se lo demuestro. Les enseño el documento, y eso va a misa.

La mujer se ajusta las gafas y se rasca el pubis.

- Ahora estoy en proceso para que las reconozcan como pruebas válidas en caso de juicio.

Bertín la interrumpe: -Pues que tenga usted suerte señora.

- ¿Quiere usted ladillas? - la señora interrumpe. - Le serán muy útiles, ya ha visto. Ahora sí quieres luego voy a tu camerino, y ya discutimos cómo te las paso.

Comentarios:

rucito (rucito at hotmail dot com) el 13/9/2006 - 15:14

yo tengo una tenia que hace de "vedette" del Mouli Rouge mucho mejor que Norma Duval. cuando quiera Bertín le envío unas radiografías, a ver si me invita al programa.

thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 14/9/2006 - 03:00

tenías una tenia? la tenia de Tania?

nei el 17/9/2006 - 17:38

Como veo que estamos de buen humor, dados los últimos comentarios en otros pots, aprovecho la positiva coyuntura, para preguntar si puedo presentar al concurso a Nani, Rafi y Nuria.

He conseguido enseñar a archivar a Nani y Rafi.
Son unas cucarachas la mar de listas. En breve creo que conseguiré que las bequen. Iré comprando rodilleras de su tamaño.

Nuria no sabe hacer nada especial. Quizás lo único reseñable, es que se transforma en zorra cada vez que quiere conseguir algo. Y que trae las rodilleras de serie, claro.

nei el 18/9/2006 - 09:18

Por cierto, aprovecho para felicitar a rucito sus "x" (leído "equis", no "porno". Bueno ... a elección) y seis días.

Naaaa naaaanaaaaaanaaa NAAA N?AAAA (Que siga otro que desafine menos).

thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 18/9/2006 - 17:16

Estaré encantado de hacerle un casting a Nuria. De todos modos, si es la mitad de zorra de lo que dices ¿cómo es que no ha entrado ya a Gran Hermano?
xDD

Yonohesido el 18/9/2006 - 21:58

He estado a puntito de hacer un comentario políticamente incorrecto y decir que no ha entrado en Gran Hermano, porque quizás aspire a presentarlo, ya que la capacidad de conversión en raposa, es del doble en periodistas que en concursantes.

Menos mal que he rectificado a tiempo.
Jamás diría tamaña falacia sobre tan dignísima profesión.

Y menos, sobre la susodicha.

Para el casting te recomiendo que te armes con un cortacesped y un lanzallamas. Cualquiera sabe cuantos casting previos habrá pasado.

Antes de leer este blog, no era tan soez. Lo juro.

C4RLOT4 (imposiblinten at hotmail dot com) el 20/9/2006 - 08:40

Sabía que no podrías renunciar a ninguna de las dos.
Inteligencia o imaginación...separadas carecen de sentido.

C4RLOT4 C4RLOT4 !!!!!!
Uvedos...jajajajajajajaja

rucito (rucito at hotmail dot com) el 26/9/2006 - 16:02

Oh my god!!!! Me habéis felicitado. Gracias Neitor por haberte acordado de mí. Y sí, son Pornotrés años.
PS: Sigo a la espera de la llamada de Bertín para llevar a Tania la tenia a su programa.

PrelKikam (kwisarat at mardenafuga dot info) el 22/8/2007 - 13:58

enter text? test, sorry

dfdf767df



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leilei3915 (linlei3915 at hotmail dot com) el 1/4/2017 - 15:17

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