Restaurante Paraíso
El mecanismo es sencillo:
Se distribuyen octavillas en grupos selectos, escogidos de antemano: oficinistas, comerciales, notarios, ejecutivos de medio pelo; gente asentada en la clase media-alta, sin llegar nunca a oídos de los grandes jefes ni de la masa plebeya.
En las octavillas los sloganes varían, de ingeniosos a soeces.
«Si no hay compromiso, restaurante Paraíso»,
«Restaurante Paraíso: No vale la pena pagarle una cena»,
«Polvo sencillo sin rascarte el bolsillo».
A continuación detallan todo el funcionamiento. Nos ponen una comida estupenda; nos ponen lubina, angulas, solomillo... los más exquisitos manjares para impresionar a nuestra pareja. Sin embargo ni es lubina ni angulas ni solomillo, es trucha, gula y chuleta de cerdo... pero (y cito textualmente) "la puta no lo sabe".
La puta cree que come todo eso, y ve una abultada cuenta: 100, 150 euros... El ejecutivo paga con su tarjeta y sólo le cargan el 20% del precio marcado.
El negocio funciona gracias al secreto guardado por todos los clientes, por mutuo interés, a las octavillas y al boca a boca.
El camarero pregunta «¿Qué tomará el señor? ¿Y la guarra que le acompaña?» Lo último no lo dice, pero lo piensa. Piden perdiz caramelizada con salsa de frambuesas y langosta. El camarero va a cocina a pedir una ración de gato y otra de pasta de abadejo veteada con pimentón dulce. Los gatos maúllan entre el ruido de los fogones.
Mientras tanto Fernando, el artista de la fake cuisine, ayudante de cocina, transforma un bebé chino en un cochinillo -entre el gremio el término usado es simplemente 'chinillo'-
Omar es el dueño del restaurante y el jefe de cocina. Se le ocurrió la idea cuando aún vivía en su país, Puerto Rico.
Una buena cena en una primera cita es algo excesivo, una inversión arriesgada, teniendo en cuenta las probabilidades de que el asunto termine en agua de borrajas.
«Borrajas» Recuerda Omar, y lo apunta en su libreta. Con las borrajas se confeccionan unos espárragos de insuperable calidad.
Omar se dirige a la gran cámara frigorífica para comprobar las existencias. Tras la gran puerta metálica hay un montón de armarios con conservas en botes de cristal. «No merece la pena invertir en una guarra» pensaba. Y mientras pensaba en la palabra 'guarra' el recuerdo de su madre le venía a la cabeza. Su madre violándole con una botella de Mr. Proper.
-Nunca os metáis una botella por el culo- Aconsejó a su grupo de cocineros y pinches, el mismo día que abrió la cocina. Y explicó.
-Hace el vacío y luego no hay quién se lo saque-. Mientras decía esto recordaba su infancia en un hospital puertorriqueño con graves carencias higiénicas. Un médico con un guante de látex manchado de sangre y goteando lubricante, su madre en una esquina, avergonzada, y Omar en postura de parturienta, chillando de dolor.
En ese momento los cocineros y los pinches asintieron con gesto de preocupación, pero bajaron la cabeza y comenzaron a trabajar en absoluto silencio.
Omar sigue haciendo inventario. Tantos botes de cristal, y todos tan anchos, es como una pesadilla recurrente.
«Mermelada de ciruelas podridas» apuntó, ya que se había agotado.
Dentro de la gran cámara frigorífica había una pequeña puerta, desde la que se llegaba a una pequeña guardería temporal. Se oían llantos al otro lado, llantos y maullidos.
Al otro lado, en la cocina, Fernando terminaba el chinillo con unos brochazos de aceite usado, para darle un aspecto tostado. Era el mismo aceite que se usaba para freir las delicatessens de pavo, azafrán y salsa holandesa en la que ninguno de los ingredientes era lo que decía ser.
En el otro extremo Oscar se sacudía las greñas encima de la guarnición de pimientos. En su cabeza estaba toda la sal Maldon que el restaurante necesitaba.
A pesar del aparente caos que se vivía en la cocina, el resultado era sorprendemente bueno. Tan sólo una vez se quejó una de las víctimas. La zorra hizo llamar a Omar, que se presentó con su mejor sonrisa y ocultando las manchas de grasa de su delantal con las manos. Su acompañante era Luis, un habitual. Había tenido sus 15 últimas citas en el restaurante y en ese momento se cubría la boca avergonzado, temiendo ser descubierto.
Ella quería saber el motivo de que las perdices tuviesen esas «pequeñas pezuñas grasientas». Omar improvisó una explicación para cubrir la reputación de sus exquisitas ratas de agua.
-Son frutos secos en garrapiñada crujiente. Los usamos para dar textura al plato, en cocina se denominan «crocants»- dijo, y unió los dedos índice y pulgar para subrayar la palabra 'crocants'. -¿No son del gusto de la señora?
Omar recordaba a Luis, pero al hablar con ella tuvo la sensación de que no era la primera vez que la invitaban a ese restaurante en una primera cita. Se retiró prudentemente, volvió a la cocina y espolvoreó polvos de talco sobre las manchas de grasa de su delantal.
Comentarios:
Nei el 28/9/2006 - 02:04
Seré breve, sincera y sin infinito:
Genial.
topo el 28/9/2006 - 13:02
bueno,viendo este articulo creo que ya te puedes imaginar cual es el secreto de los datiles con bacon del tenis.exacto,la falta de higiene.en realidad son cucarachas recien salidas de debajo de la nevera envueltas en rodajas de carne humana recien hechas.
Yosolito (yosolito at gmail dot com) el 28/9/2006 - 16:18
No se por que, pero me da la sensacion de que conozco a alguno de los personajes de la historia...
swyx el 28/9/2006 - 16:37
Ya me extrañaba a mí que el otro día me saliera una raspa dentro de un chuletón de Ávila... xDD
Por cierto, tengo nuevo blog:
http://swyx.blogia.com
thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 29/9/2006 - 13:50
Ya tas "actualizao". Esperemos que vaya mejor que la mierda de bitacoras.com
La Gemela os pone el 29/9/2006 - 16:40
...Y k hago yo ahora kon el menú k tenía preparado??? :S
Kualkiera te invita a ti a cenar después de leer esto!
En Fin...espero k el Aloyón haga efecto antes de empezar a komer...
;)
enfermos (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 29/9/2006 - 19:19
xD
He tenido que mirar en internet para saber lo que era el Aloyón (de hecho pensaba que era un tranquilizante o algo así, ¿no vas a drogarnos?).
«El vino tinto de Aloyón es un vino bastante correcto. Es de la denominación Utiel-Requena, si no tengo entendido mal es el más vendido de esta denominación de origen, y tiene su porqué. No es un vino comparable a un ribera del Duero o a un Rioja, claro, pero tampoco es de los "perroneros" que la peña usa para hacer calimocho...»
¿No vale para hacer calimocho?
:(
(Con razón no lo conocía!)
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Ahhh, hijos míos. La de veces que habré disfrutado de este tipo de manjares sentado a la mesa de locales de moda y dudoso gusto en el "tigre del norte" que es Irlanda. Gracias al cielo ahora puedo recordar esas estupendas digestiones flamígeras en mi querida tierra gallega.
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Autor: thessoro
Fecha: 27/09/06 [15:34]
Categoría: Sacapuntas
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