De cartílago nada

No sé lo que comerán los pulpos en Tanhauser pero desde luego cartílago no.
    El otro día pedí una pizza. Cuando me di la vuelta tras pagar al pizzero, Gilbertito se había abalanzado sobre ella, agarrándola con sus ocho patas y con los ojos en blanco.
    Hacía unos sonidos extraños, como de vacío o ventosa o algo...
    Primero vertía una sustancia sobre los ingredientes, que hacía que se licuasen, y luego los sorbía. ¡Qué cosa más repugnante!
- ¿Tú no quieres? - me pregunta.
- Prefiero que reces a ver esta guarrería Gilbertito. ¿Por qué no os mutaron para no dar asco? ¿No hay ningún gen así? El "gen guarro" o algo similar...

    A Gilbertito le he habilitado la cesta de cuando Berto, el perro, era pequeño. Se la he puesto en un rincón del salón.
    Gilbertito lo llama ostentosamente "mi habitación". Si entro de noche al salón para cualquier cosa, se levanta sobre sus tentáculos y dice:
- Fuera de mi habitación ¿No ves que estoy desnudo?
    (Pues como el resto del día...) Esa frase la ha debido de oir en la televisión o algo similar. Cree que todo lo que allí aparece son vivencias reales de seres humanos, y se apodera de algunas expresiones para intentar pasar por uno de nosotros.
    Me parece que Gilbertito echa de menos su planeta, que no es un planeta, es una especie de zona estelar... No sé, me lo ha contado tantas veces que ha perdido su significado para mí.
    Por tanto decidí comprarle algún juguete o algo para que pasase el rato y se olvidara un poco de su asquerosa raza.
    Pensé regalarle un par de guantes, pa reirme de él a ver que hacía con ellos, pero no soy tan cruel. Así que le compré un bolígrafo, que tiene tinta como él. Así podrá pintar sus mierdas, o chupar la tinta, o metérselo por su orificio inferior, eso ya no es cosa mía.

* * *
    A Gilbertito le ha chiflado el bolígrafo, lo ha agarrado con un tentáculo y lo mueve a una velocidad sorprendente. En un par de horas, me había hecho un dibujo detallado de su galaxia, de su casa, de su unidad reproductora (no le he preguntado más detalles) y de todas sus unidades familiares cercanas (yo sólo vi réplicas idénticas de Gilbertito)
    Visto su entusiasmo, le compré 7 bolígrafos más, para que tuviera uno por tentáculo. Los mueve de forma independiente, y la verdad es que es fascinante verle.
    En un momento dado lo agarré de su enorme cabeza y lo empecé a girar.
- ¿Sabes lo que eres?
    Yo me escojonaba de risa... Gilbertito se recuperó del mareo y preguntó: ¿Qué?
- ¡¡¡UN ESPIRÓGRAFO!!!

Comentarios:

Anónimo el 23/6/2005 - 20:48

joder que mierdas escribes thessoro lammer :)

thessoro el 23/6/2005 - 22:45

muchas gracias, intento superarme día a día

infinit el 26/6/2005 - 23:36

Comprale un paquetillo de plastidecor que haga dibujos a color

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