El Génesis según Paloma

Hola Sacapunteros!! ¿Qué tal va el verano? Yo aquí muy bien, voy casi todos los días a la playa.
La otra tarde me ocurrió una cosaaa ¡Qué susto! Me tumbé boca arriba en la arena, y miré directamente al sol durante un buen rato. El Sol es tan grande y tan potente que me sentí penetrada por Dios, tan redondo y perfecto.
Total, que me quedé ciega 3 días. Papá me dijo que era un castigo divino, que no se podía mirar a Dios de tú a tú. Que creer que yo podía mirarlo directamente era una blasfemia, la construcción de mi propia torre de Babel, y que me lo tenía merecido.
Ya os hablaré otro día de la torre de Babel, que no es una fábrica de miniquesitos no, es otra cosa. Hoy toca el Génesis.

La Biblia son muchos libros, pero publicados a la vez, para ahorrar espacio y dinero a los creyentes. El Génesis es donde empieza la Biblia, y donde comienza todo. Dios aún no había hecho nada de lo que conocemos... Menos los dinosaurios, los dinosaurios ya estaban, y Dios los borró para hacer otras cosas, porque no le gustaban mucho.
Así que envió una bola de fuego a la Tierra, y la llamó Big Bang, y vio que era bueno.

Después del borrón y cuenta nueva, Dios empezó a decorarlo todo otra vez. Colgó estrellas en el cielo y a las que se caen de vez en cuando las llamó "fugaces" y vio que era bueno.
Luego llenó el mar de agua. Cuando los mares no estaban llenos de agua sino que estaban vacíos se llamaban de otra manera.

Entonces creó Dios al hombre, lo hizo con barro y agua que le sobró del mar. A continuación la mujer, que salió de una costilla que ya no tenemos, y es por eso por lo que muchos hombres son más flexibles que las mujeres, ya que tienen menos costillas y llegan a más partes de su cuerpo.

Cuando Dios nos creó le puso a Adán una hoja de parra en sus partes, porque es pecado irse paseando desnudo por ahí, y a Eva le puso otra. No le puso nada en las tetitas porque aún no había inventado el sujetador. ¿Con qué iba a sujetar las hojas de parra? Se me ocurre que con una liana, o algo así. Quizá a Dios no le molesta entonces que las chicas hagan topless. A mi padre le molesta mucho, las llama "guarras" y "mensajeras de Lucifer".

Entonces dijo Dios: "Háganse las serpientes" y llenó la Tierra de serpientes... Y de manzanas, que es lo que comen.
Total que luego Jehová (que así se hacía llamar Dios por aquellos tiempos) no se por qué se enfadó porque comieron una manzana. No sé que hubiese pasado si llegan a montarse un lagar de sidra en el Paraíso Terrenal, porque lo que es cierto es que aún no nos ha perdonado por ese Pecado Original.
(...rencoroso hijo de puta...)
 Me ha dicho thessoro que dejase ahí un espacio para meter él un comentario, no sé lo que habrá puesto.

Por eso yo nunca como manzanas, por si acaso, sólo tomo naranjas y peras.
Entonces Adán y Eva, se quitaron las hojas momentáneamente y tuvieron hijos, tres: Caín, Abel y Set. Entre los tres adoptaron a niños porque no había más mujeres con las que tenerlos.
Total, que vivían felices con sus niños hasta que un día Caín sufrió un ataque de celos. Abel y Set se pasaban las horas muertas en la cueva, pintando lo que hoy conocemos como 'pinturas rupestres'. Caín, que se sentía desplazado, mató a Abel .

[...] Y Jehová dijo a Caín: ¿Dónde está Abel tu hermano? Y él respondió: No sé. ¿Soy yo acaso guarda de mi hermano?[...]

Qué cínico Caín... además es tontería porque Dios está en todos lados y lo ve todo, le vio mientras lo mataba, ¿Qué tipo de pregunta es esa? ¿Para ver qué mentira contaba?
Para Dios esto no tenía ninguna importancia comparado con lo de la manzana, tenía un cabreo que no veas; lo importante es que Caín y Set vivieron felices mucho tiempo con sus hijos adoptivos.

Pasó mucho tiempo. Eva y Adán habían muerto tiempo atrás, y en su lugar crecieron sendas parras enormes.
Por aquel entonces Dios conoció a Noé, que era un tipo agradable y pacífico y le dio los planos de un barco para que se lo construyera.
Era un barco inmenso de tres pisos, más grande que el Titanic, y el pobre Noé pasó muchos meses construyéndolo a cambio de vino. Por si fuera poco luego Dios le mandó coger dos animales de cada especie y meterlos en el barco. Luego Dios hizo que lloviera mucho, durante 40 días. Las alcantarillas de aquella época no son como las de ahora y se atascaron todas, las de hoy en día se lo tragan todo. Así que la Tierra quedó inundada, lo que no sé es si Noé tuvo que meter también peces en el arca, ¿Construyó un acuario dentro? De todos modos es igual, los peces seguirían viviendo en el mar... ¿Era agua salada o dulce? La lluvia es agua dulce luego sólo tendría que meter a los peces de agua salada, a las ballenas, a las horcas, a los tiburones... ¿Cómo metió Noé dos ballenas en el Arca?
¿Se habían inventado ya las poleas y las palancas? ¿Las izó Dios a cubierta? Voy a ir mañana a la parroquia, y le preguntaré todas estas cosas a Justino, cuya sabiduría mana directamente de Dios, y me responderá como debe ser.
Aún se me quedan muchas cosas en el tintero del Génesis, espero que sepáis entenderme, pero con tanta duda acaba una un poco mareada ¿no?

¡¡Hasta la próxima!!

Comentarios:

rucito el 18/8/2005 - 10:27

Y en todo este embrollo de cosas, animales, estrellas, lluvias, hermanos y tal.... yo me pregunto: ¿qué coño tiene que ver Phil Collins?

thessoro (thessoro at gmail dot com) el 29/8/2005 - 02:12

Nuestra querida Paloma ha cometido un pequeño error de documentación en su artículo. Sin duda vosotros, queridos visitantes de Sacapuntas, ávidos lectores de la Biblia, ya os habréis dado cuenta del error y no habéis dicho nada por educación.

Ya os hablaré otro día de la torre de Babel, que no es una fábrica de miniquesitos no, es otra cosa. Hoy toca el Génesis.

Bien, el pasaje de la Torre de Babel está incluido en el Génesis, así que la frase no tiene mucho sentido (lo siento Paloma, guapa)

P.D. Hace ya tiempo que nada. Pero estaría gracioso que montase un grupo de nombre 'Apocalipsis' (Phil Collins)

Alexander Araujo (elskate_61 at hotmail dot com) el 20/2/2006 - 22:36

es una basura!!!! son puras mentiras!!!! yo si creo en dios

mariae (maria eugenia_45 at hotmail dot com) el 20/2/2006 - 22:38

eres una pedaso de covera PALOMA hablas pura mierda! hablas pura paja

jajajaa (kapryus at gmail dot com) el 28/6/2007 - 22:56

me encnata esta pagina ajajajajjajajajaj
hola me llamo carolina y megusta mucho esta pagina xau un besos

anonimo (kitakita at hotmail dot com) el 29/9/2007 - 10:21

poner las partes del sacapuntas

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